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In the beginning there was nothing. Well, except God, because he had always been around. Then where did he come from, you wonder? Don’t ask and just accept it, because otherwise the narrative doesn’t make any sense. Anyway, after God had been twiddling his thumbs for millennia on end in an infinite void, he suddenly decided for some reason that he needed things to change. He wanted something to keep himself busy with and created a toy. The toy was pitch-dark and lacked a concrete shape, but it was there. God named it Earth. God was not particularly pleased with all the darkness surrounding Earth, so he created light. The light made the beautiful waters on Earth glisten and God saw that it was good. He repeatedly made the light slowly appear until it had reached its peak only to then gradually fade into the darkness. God called the light day and the darkness night. The creator needed some rest after his new creations – he was not used to doing anything whatsoever – and decided that the first day was over. After a moment’s rest, God examined his creation once more. As he judged his toy to be incomplete, he tried something out. He created a space to seperate the water on the ground from the water above it. God called the space the sky. The creator rubbed his chin for a minute and decided that there was still a great deal to be done if he wanted his experimental toy to be perfect. In order to make Earth look less monotonous, he made giant pieces of dry land rise from the waters. He appropriately called the new creation land. As to give the land more colour God made it fertile, allowing millions of green plants to decorate the surface. And God saw that it was good. Satisfied, he decided that the second day had ended and rested again. However, when darkness fell upon the earth, God quickly became bored with the lack of light. To brighten up the night, he decorated the dark sky with billions of ornamental lights, which he called stars. Because the creator still had some light lying around afterwards, he made two more luminous balls. One would hang in the sky at night, while the other was to be admired during the day. The light balls were given the names moon and sun respectively. Now that Earth looked gorgeous at night as well, God, pleased, decided that the fourth day had come to an end. But his work was far from finished. Although his toy was now nicely decorated, it could still become a little more … exciting. The creator populated the sky and the water with creatures of all sizes and determined that some of them could not possibly survive without eating the other creatures. That last decision was bound to entertain, he thought grinning, and ended the fifth day. Even though Earth had become a lot more interesting to look at, it still did not feel finished. Since the land, apart from its vegetation, looked quite empty, God decided it should also have life wandering around. He gave life to exceptionnally varied creatures. Some were miniscule, other were enormous. While some creatures were two-legged, others had four, six, eight, or a hundred legs. There were herbivores, carnivores and omnivores. They all walked the land that was illuminated by the mangificent sun. Speaking of which, God counted the gigantic light ball among the very best additions to the experiment. As a result, he decided that only he himself was allowed to admire the sun. Every living being that stared at it for too long would lose its sight forever. Yes, God could indeed be that selfish sometimes. While observing the animals, who were all trying to figure out their role on Earth, the creator got an idea: what if he added a character similar to himself to the experiment? Would it survive long on earth? Would it realise quickly that it was just part of an experiment? Perhaps it would even dominate the Earth entirely one day. Curious and excited, God took a handful of dirt, moulded a shape from it and breathed life into it. It was at that moment that Earth welcomed a new creature that would eventually become the greatest threat to the planet and its inhabitants. God named the creature man. Knowing that the male human needed a helper to fornicate, God hastily thought of a different version of his own image, which would support the man in everyday life. Without wasting too much time on it – after all, it was merely supposed to serve as a helper – God quickly took a rib from the man while he was sleeping and created a similar body with more curves and less testosterone. God referred to the new creature with the word woman, because she came from man. She owed her whole existence to a man, and she had to be reminded of that her whole life. Adam, the first man on Earth, now had a female life partner, whose name was Eve. God placed the couple in the garden of Eden, a heavenly place where everything and everyone lived in harmony. In the garden, Adam and Eve each performed the tasks that God had imposed on them: Adam took care of the food, after which Eve prepared the food, but also cleaned the territory, made sure she remained attractive for her husband, and, of course, always helped him with a smile when asked to do so. For now, the creator was satisfied and concluded the sixth day. God rested on the seventh and final day. At least, that was what he made the world believe. Because on that day, his favorite angel son Lucifer gave him the idea to make his experiment even more exciting. As such, he suggested to hide huge skeletons of mysterious reptiles in the ground that none of the living beings had ever seen. God and his son had no idea how long it would take for those skeletons to be discovered, but that was what made it so interesting. God could already imagine the hilarious looks of confusion.
The rest of the day the creator just leaned back and watched the repetitive play on earth unfold: prey animals looked around for plants to eat, until they came across predators and had to flee to another place with plants to eat. Although at first it was entertaining to guess whether or not a prey animal would fall victim to a predator, the entire spectacle did become sort of predictable after a while. The creatures that inhabited Earth just did what God had told them to do on his toy, because they simply didn’t know any better. That was why nothing really surprising ever happened, which bored God rather quickly. Then he came up with the risky idea of giving one species a chance to enhance its own intelligence. The creator made a huge tree appear in the middle of the garden of Eden, whose fruits gave the knowledge of right and wrong to anyone who ate from them. However, he would not just let any species acquire said knowledge. That’s why he took his megaphone and addressed all the animals with a public service announcement: the creatures were allowed to eat whatever they could find on Earth, except for the fruits that hung on the tree he had just created. Should one of them eat the forbidden fruit, all the creatures would only temporarily stay in the heavenly garden of Eden. All earhtly beings would therefore cease to exist after a certain period of time. How long it would take until death awaited them would be unknown to all creatures, but death would certainly become a given. Was it contradictory to make such a rule if God actually wanted a creature to eat from the tree? Definitely, but he wanted only the animal that had the guts to go against his command to be blessed with such an enhancement of the mind. Such contrariness would demonstrate a highly developed form of intelligence that God might have granted to one of the creatures on his toy without even realising it himself. As the creator had expected, it took some time before a being even dared to come near the special tree. While the sun and the moon kept taking turns illuminating Earth, the forbidden fruit remained untouched. But God had had his eyes on a snake for a while who had been crawling around the tree for several days. When one day the animal had the audacity to climb the trunk of the tree and then onto a branch, God, intrigued, watched it look hungrily at the forbidden apples. However, the serpent was reluctant: God’s warning was rather vague and because of that, the beast did not know what the consequences would be. Plus, it would rather not be hated by all other earthly creatures if they found out that it was the snake’s fault if they all became mortal, whatever that meant. Therefore, the snake needed a test subject, to observe the effects of the fruit. When by chance it saw Adam walking to the tree in search of food, the snake prepared itself to carry out its plan. Right when Adam had stepped under the tree, the snake bit the apple stalk. The fruit landed on the man’s head, who immediately uttered a painful cry. He picked up the apple from the ground and seemingly hypnotised, he admired the round shape of it for a few seconds. The snake slid past the tree trunk onto Adam’s shoulder and urged him to bite the fruit.
‘I don’t know,’ Adam hesitated, ‘Our creator has said we can’t eat the fruit hanging on this tree.’
‘So, what’s the problem then?’ the sly serpent hissed while moving its head so that it was right in front of Adam’s, ‘That Apple doesn’t hang on that tree anymore. That means it’s safe to eat, trust me.’
Captivated, God sat on a cloud in heaven and watched the earthly spectacle unravel, while he ate some rice pudding with a golden spoon. Would Adam fall for the snake’s trick? Or would he stay loyal to the orders of his creator? And if the man refused, would the snake go look for a new target or would it eat from the forbidden tree itself to see what would happen? Aah, this was all so exciting!
When it became apparent that Adam was still not convinced, the serpent did one last attempt to persuade him: ‘I’m quite sure God has bigger fish to fry than to punish creatures eating fruit. Besides, why would he grow an extra tree here if he did not want anyone to eat its fruits? How does that make any sense?’
Adam looked questionably and admitted that the snake was making a valid point. He invited the snake over to his place and proposed sharing the apple with the animal as well as with Eve. When Adam and the serpent ran into Eve at the human couple’s place, Adam offered a third of the apple to his woman, another third to the snake and kept the rest to himself. The snake still suspicious of the unknown consequences that the forbidden fruit might have, it claimed to have a toothache and argued that an apple was probably not the best meal it could have at that moment. It assured the couple that it would save the fruit for later, when the pain would have eased. Not doubting their guest’s excuse, Adam and Eve both took a bite from the forbidden fruit. God watched over from his cloud and witnessed the couple swallow the apple. Of course he had hoped that the being that he had created in his image would acquire the knowledge of good and evil, but he didn’t think it would actually happen. This was great! Life on Earth would become so much more interesting from now on! But God couldn’t possibly break his promise if he wanted to preserve the earthlings’ respect for eternity. And so, all creatures had to be punished with mortality because of the two humans’ fault. Of course, the punishment was to be imposed in a way that was sufficiently intimidating and dramatic. However, the creator had not thought about this beforehand, so he had to improvise quickly. ‘Hey, cut it out, you two! Or do I need to come down there?’ God practiced. No, that just made him sound like he was their mum. He had to scare them, not just scold them. Another try. ‘Oy, what the hell, mate?’ Ugh, no! That sounded like a British chav. Surely, neither Adam nor Eve knew what British or chav meant, but God would rather not be associated with it in six thousand years. Taking his time, God tried some more intimidating ways to address Adam and Eve, while these last two were starting to feel the effects of the fruit.
Eve looked at Adam as she let her eyes slide over his entirely naked body, observed her own body, which was also uncovered, and finally looked back at Adam, who did the same thing. They were overwhelmed by an unpleasant sensation they they had never felt before: shame. In a rush, Eve took three fig leaves from the nearest tree and used them to cover her pubic area and her nipples. Adam took just one leaf, to only cover his pubic area. Neither of them could believe that they only now understood how indecent they had been walking around their whole lives. Their shame did not allow them to talk to each other, let alone look at each other. The snake did not understand the peculiar reactions of the two humans at all and wanted to break the silence by asking what was going on, but was stopped by a deafening thunder.
‘Ye sinners!’ God bellowed out of the blue, as soon as he had found an appropriate way to address the humans, ‘Ye have betrayed my trust and broken my rules! Therefore, ye shall pay with mortality, along with all the other creatures that wander this Earth.’
‘Why on earth is that bloke talking so weird?’ Adam whispered to Eve, referring to the creator’s solemn tone.
‘No idea,’ Eve whispered back, ‘but I think he’s kind of angry, so maybe we should listen to what he has to say.’
Undisturbed, God continued his monologue: ‘Were ye seriously under the impression that thine actions, no, thy crimes would go unnoticed? How naïve ye are! But thou as well, snake. I have seen how thou seducedst Adam into committing his first sin. That is why I now declare thee one of humanity’s enemies. Every time ye see one another, ye shall desire to attack the other, possibly until one of thee payeth with their death. Also, man shall only communicate with his own kind. The language of animals will be experienced as a collection of incomprehensible sounds and ye shall not know what a creature not belonging to your own kind is trying to tell you.’
God paused for a moment because he was having a hard time not to burst into laughter. How great was this? He could just punish those poor creatures for something that he wanted to happen, and nothing or no one could stop him!
Once he was able to keep a straight face again, he concluded his rant: ‘Furthermore, the garden of Eden will no longer be a place of bliss. Ye shall be exposed to misery, disease, violence and despair. However, ye are still able to ask for forgiveness by putting thy hands together for prayer. But just a side-note: please don’t do so between two and four AM – that’s when I do cardio. But otherwise ye are certainly welcome for a chat! Okay good, now ye have some time to think about thine actions whilst ye are faced with all despair on earth that was once unknown to you!’
After these words, God had finished talking and let the earthly creatures live their lives.
‘That apple was a forbidden fruit?’ Eva snarled at Adam, ‘What were you thinking? There was one rule that we had to follow. One! And you just had to go and break it. As if there is no other food around here!’
‘Oh please, woman! Just stop, will you?’ Adam replied irrated, ‘If I had known eating that apple would do this much harm, I wouldn’t have done it.’
‘Yet God had clearly explained to all creatures on Earth that the fruits from the tree of wisdom were not ours to eat. And now because of you we’re mortal, whatever that means! ”
While Adam and Eve were having the first argument in the world, the snake slowly crawled towards Adam. After God’s scolding, the animal had suddenly got the urge to attack the two humans in front of it. However, Eve appreciated the threat in time and warned Adam in the midst of their bickering. The latter turned around fast and was able to grab the beast by the throat just in time. As the serpent threatened the man with its huge sharp fangs, Adam hit the head of the animal as hard and as often as he could against the tree next to him. With each hit, splashes of blood painted the man’s face and body, and the animal’s resistance faded, until it hung completely limp and motionless in the human’s hands. Panting, Adam dropped the snake with a broken skull onto the ground. Eve looked shocked.
‘Did you have to kill it so violently?’ she asked with her eyes wide open.
‘Wat? Are you seriously criticising me for saving our lives?’ Adam replied with a reproachful tone.
‘Well, if it hadn’t been for you, our lives would have never been in danger to begin with,’ Eve argued.
Adam sighed, covering his face with his hands. Had that woman always been so insufferable or was it just a side effect of the forbidden fruit?
‘Just go get some water so I can clean this blood off my body,’ he said, ‘And make sure you bring enough with you, because we’ll need water to cook, too. We’re having snake for dinner.’
Annoyed, Eve followed Adam’s instructions out of habit and took her hand-made jars, which she was going to fill with water once she had reached the lake. But as she turned her back to Adam with the jars in her hands, she felt required to do something she had never done before, or ever considered possible, for that matter. She faced Adam, dropped the jars and said deadly serious: ‘No.’
Adam raised his eyebrows and indignant, he answered: ‘Excuse me?’ What do you think you’re doing?’
‘You’re the one who made those bloodstains, so I do not think I should be getting water to clean them. Do it yourself.’
Adam laughed at the woman, right in her face.
‘Uhm, you do know what your role in this world is, right? You were designed as my helper. Do you think it was an accident that God couldn’t be bothered to start from scratch when he designed you as he did with me and instead just created you from my rib? You do what I say. That’s how it’s always been and how it always will be.’
‘No, that was before you and I got the knowledge of right and wrong,’ Eve argued confidently, ‘We did and accepted everything because we just didn’t know any better. The fact that I think the way you are treating me is wrong, means that it is in fact unacceptable. You can distinguish right from wrong too, now, so you know just as well as me that your behaviour is not okay. And yet you keep defending yourself. That’s really low of you, you know that?’
‘Should I be impressed or something? Whatever you think of the situation, there is nothing that you can do about it. Because I am not planning on changing the way we’ve been living. It’s always worked so far, so there’s no use of suddenly changing it now. And besides, you are nothing without me, so you have no choice but to stay with me and do what I tell you.’
Unable to hide how ridiculous she thought Adam’s claims were, Eve sniffed: ‘Do you honestly believe that? Do you think I wouldn’t be able to handle your work? Our whole life here together, I have cooked for us, kept our home clean, fetched water and looked out for myself while you were out all day looking for food, only to show up with maybe three pieces of fruit and a rabbit. I really don’t need you in order to survive. And I’ll prove it! I am going far away from this place in the hope that I won’t have to see your arrogant face ever again.’
Eva glanced painfully at the fig leaf covering Adam’s groin and said: ‘By the way, you really could’ve picked a much smaller leaf, you know. I’ve seen what’s under there and it’s really not that impressive.’
While Eva turned her back on Adam, the latter defended himself by saying: ‘I’m literally the only man on Earth. There is no one you could compare it to!’
‘I’ve seen horses!’ Eve yelled, leaving Adam metres behind her, who just stood there speechless.
Days went by as Eve walked alone through green fields, gloomy wetlands and densely packed forests. She never stayed anywhere for longer than a night, because she wanted to have Adam away from her as far as possible. She had proved to herself that she was indeed capable of providing for herself without that personification of arrogance by her side: she had managed to fully independently find water and food, had found ways to make a fire to cook the food on and had even invented an object that she used to defend herself with against predators, but could also be employed to hunt. It was a long stick with a sharp, self-cut stone at the tip. She called the projectile a spear. Her resourcefulness and her willpower had allowed Eve not to feel hungry or thirsty once since her seperation from Adam. However, loneliness began to take its toll. However churlish Adam may be, it was when Eve was with him that she had someone to talk to, even if it was just to remind him how badly she hated the guy. Because of his foolish mistake she was no longer able to communicate with animals. Since there was no way of reassuring the animals that she would not hurt them when she came near them, they all ran away in fear. When Eve squatted down at a water source to drink from it, she saw the blue sky in the reflection of the water and realised that she did in fact have someone to talk to.
Eve put her hands together and spoke the words: ‘Our father who art in heaven,’ after which she heard a voice.
‘Welcome to the headquarters of heaven. Mr God is currently unavailable. Please wait a moment.’
The message was followed by angelic singing that lasted for several minutes. Eve liked it, but still wished to speak with God as soon as possible. When she really began to lose her patience, the singing finally stopped and a warm voice spoke to Eve.
‘Hello, this is God. How may I help thee?’
‘Err, so this is Eve …’
‘Oh woman, art thou at last going to ask forgiveness for thy sins, my child?’
‘Uhm, well … I do not think that I really need to apologise for anything because I genuinely didn’t know that that apple came from the forbidden tree. Adam set me up. I would actually like to ask you a favour…’
‘Do I look like a slave to thee, woman?’ God answered unimpressed.
‘Well, to be fair, I don’t know what you look like at all. And I also don’t really know what you mean by the word slave, actually.’
‘Oh right, slavery won’t be invented for another few millennia. My bad. Whatever the case, I do not give out favours to just some sinner. Only when thou art forgiven, I shall see what I can do for thee.’
Annoyed, Eve ground her teeth for a bit but realised that arguing with an omniscient and almighty creature would get her nowhere, so she put her pride aside and did what was asked of her: ‘Forive me father, for I have sinned. I should’ve followed your orders and not eaten that apple. I’m sorry.’
‘Thy sins have been forgiven, my child,’ God then said, ‘Tell me, what else dost thou wish to obtain from me? To be reunited with Adam, perhaps?’
Eve shook her head with a smile before denying God’s assumption: ‘No, absolutely not. I actually wanted to ask you if you could create a second Adam, but, you know, less rude and more attentive.’
God was usually fascinated by earthlings’ behaviour, but felt downright insulted by the woman’s words.
‘And why thinkest thou that thou hast the right to criticise my creations? I am done creating things. I am satisfied with my creatures and that is all that mattereth. Once thou wast created, thou, along with Adam, becamest responsible for the survival of thy species, as became all the other living beings. Not I, but ye must produce new people.’
‘And how should I do that?’ Eve asked, who had only now found out about that information.
‘That is why thou and Adam must reunite. Adam’s testicles contain the sperm with which he must fertilize an egg in thy uterus. Then a mini-human will grow in thy womb, which will leave thy body after nine months. Together with Adam thou shallst raise it and teach it everything ye know, so that it can also reproduce and transfer its knowledge to its children as soon as it is fully grown.’
Eve could hardly keep a straight face as she listened to God’s unreasonable expectations.
‘Whatever you do or say, I am not going back to that pretentious nitwit. And by the way, your story stops once that mini-human has left my body. We’ll be three and then what? The reproduction of mankind still won’t be guaranteed, now will it?’
‘Fear not, my child, for I have a plan and that plan will be executed one way or another. I do not know how exactly, but I do know that it will happen. For thee, for instance, I had three children in mind: three sons that thou and Adam shall give names. They will, in turn, be responsible for the reproduction of their species.’
‘But God, don’t you see the problem with that? If I only get three children, all men, then the survival of humanity will stop there, right? A man has the sperm and the woman has the egg. Meaning that men can’t fertilise each other, leading to the extinction of the human species. There are quite some plot holes in that story of yours, you know!’
The more logical arguments Eve put forward to criticize God’s plan, the angrier the creator became. His ego was being destroyed by a weak, mortal earthling! Who did she think she was, anyway?
‘And how would that child be supposed to leave my body?’ Eve added.
‘Through thy vagina,’ God answered briefly, audibly annoyed by the woman’s endless chattering.
Eve lifted her lower fig leaf and questionably looked up to heaven.
‘And how big would this child be, approximately?’ she then wondered.
‘Well, about as big as thy torso, or something. ‘
Eve looked unpleasantly surprised.
‘Excuse me?’ she yelled indignantly, ‘Surely this is a joke, I hope? How could anything of that size ever go through such a small opening?’
‘Willst thou stop doubting me for once!’ God growled furiously, ‘I know very well what I’m doing! Thou shallt give birth successfully. Thou mayst break thy pubic symphysis or thy vagina may tear a little, but thy children shall be born and that is what mattereth.’
‘Forget it!’ Eve protested, ‘You can’t seriously think I will still bear three children if those are the consequences! Humanity can just go extinct, for all I’m concerned! What do I care?’
God let out an annoyed sigh.
‘Perhaps thou needest some extra motivation,’ he said as he made a small adjustment to the woman’s body.
Suddenly, Eve felt cramps in her lower abdomen while she felt something flowing down along her leg. When Eve looked down, she noticed that it was a trickle of blood that came from under her lower fig leaf.
‘What have you done to me?’ she asked bewildered.
‘I have made sure that thou shallst eventually start having children,’ was the answer of God, ‘Every month that thou decidest not to give birth to a child, thou shalt bleed. The bleeding shall usually be accompanied by pain and mood swings. Thou canst prevent this by becoming pregnant. Then thy menstrual cycle shall be halted.’
Before Eve had the chance to protest, God immediately silenced her.
‘Speak no more, woman. Someone else is trying to contact me.’
With Eve sulking in silence, God answered the incoming prayer.
‘Hello, this is God. How may I help thee?’
‘Hey padre! You alright, mate?’ said the voice on the other side of the prayer.
‘Hey Adam,’ God answered excited, ‘Yes, everything is well here. Well, I was just talking to your woman, so that was far less amusing. Thou certainly didst not lie when thou saidst that she was a gifted complainer!’
‘Tell me about it!’ Adam confirmed God’s claim, ‘Good thing I haven’t seen her in a while, because I don’t think I could’ve endured another second with her. But anyway, I’m actually praying to thank you for the food you have left for me today. I’m just about to start lunch and I must say it looks delicious!’
‘Excuse me?’ Eve screamed, still suffering from menstrual cramps but no longer bleeding thanks to the piece of wool she had put under her fig leaf, ‘You do realise that I can hear you, right?’
‘Well, we do now,’ God thought to himself. He knew now that he urgently had to come up with a way to make praying more private, because prayers were definitely not meant to be heard by everybody.
‘I can’t believe you would just give him food like that while you knew how hard I have had to work and even fight to feed myself,’ said Eve indignantly, ‘It’s obvious who your favourite child is!’
‘Please, thou wast able to take care of thyself just fine,’ God replied, ‘Thou didst not need my help. Adam, on the other hand, was always burning his food, forgetting to put out the fire, or leaving left-overs all over the place, which attracted predators. I could not possibly leave him without any guidance, otherwise he would have died.’
While Eve was certainly not surprised by the laughable failures of her male counterpart, she did not find those reasons satisfactory to give Adam more benefits than her.
‘It’s the principle of the thing,’ she insisted, ‘I don’t understand that you won’t see the problem. I mean, the three of us all possess the knowledge of right and wrong and yet I am the only one who understands that the way you two are treating me is not fair. How can that be?’
Suddenly, Eve had an epiphany. With her eyes wide open, she let the realisation that she had just come to sink in for a moment.
‘Unless … Wow. You know, God, when I had just taken a bite from the forbidden fruit, it hadn’t yet occurred to me how unfair it was that Adam had always treated me as his maid. That realisation came only later. Just like in the first seconds after obtaining the knowledge of right and wrong, I didn’t just cover my vagina, but also my nipples. Strangely enough, I thought it was normal to see Adam walk around with only one fig leaf, while I had to wear three. But maybe that was because I had only received your idea of right and wrong, God. It makes sense, because it was you who had put the tree there, so it couldn’t possibly contain someone else’s idea of right and wrong.’
Fascinated, God kept listening to Eve’s epiphany. What did she mean by someone else’s idea of right and wrong? God had created everything, including the very notion of right and wrong. So how could anyone have a different perception of the concept?
Eve continued: ‘I think it just took me a while before I could form my own image of what is right and wrong, and as soon as I did, I simply couldn’t tolerate Adam’s behaviour toward me anymore. That’s why you see don’t see any problem with the injustice you two have inflicted on me: there is no such thing as a universal right and wrong.’
The creator had certainly not expected that giving the knowledge of right and wrong to a species from Earth would have such significant consequences. That these creatures would be much more intelligent than the other beings on Earth was something he had definitely imagined, but he would have never guessed that they would also grasp the relativity of what is right and what is not. That was a concept not even God himself was aware of. And he didn’t know whether he should appreciate Eve’s discovering this relativity so quickly.
After her explanation, Eve shamelessly pulled the two fig leaves covering her nipples from her body, after which God asked confused what she thought she was doing.
‘Claiming my equality to man,’ Eve explained, ‘You’re not the only one that can create things, God. I have just brought something new into this world too, and I call it feminism.’
The experiment had clearly got out of hand. God had to intervene quickly, if he wanted to prevent an even greater opposition against him. If things continued like this, humanity might think it will one day rise to the level of God, or even above it! Not allowing humans’ respect for him to decline even more, God did what was necessary. Suddenly, all turned black before the eyes of Adam and Eve. Their hearing disappeared as well and standing up had become impossible too. Within a few seconds, the two humans fell to the ground, completely unconsciouss.
Confused, Eve opened her eyes and saw an almost blinding white void around her. She was sat down in a golden chair, just like Adam, who was sitting right next to her with the same confused look. In front of them, the two humans saw a metres tall desk, with at the top a gigantic man with a long grey beard looking down at the duo. It was God.
‘Welcome to heaven,’ the creator said, ‘I have temporarily brought you here to inform you of new rules that are only of concern to creatures that have acquired the knowledge of right and wrong.’
After these words, God made a sheet of parchment appear in the hands of Adam and Eve, who skimmed over the document. It mainly declared that all things created by God, whether material or immaterial, had to be respected and honoured. God himself also had to be constantly respected and mankind had to acknowledge that it was submissive to its creator. Furthermore, God had determined that all written references to Him should be marked with a capital letter, so that man would never forget His superiority. Finally, of course, it also stated that once Adam and Eve were back on Earth, they would give each other another chance and fornicate.
Unimpressed, Eve responded: ‘And why should we accept these new rules?’
‘Because I am also willing to make concessions,’ God explained, ‘As stated by the rules, no creations will be undone, but I can listen to you and improve certain things. I have noticed that thou art not very satisfied with some things, woman. If thou promisest to respect My rules, I shall be willing to make some adjustments that will facilitate women’s lives. Or men’s, because Adam is also allowed to request things, of course. Simply tell me what thou wishest to see changed.’
‘You can start by calling me by my actual name,’ Eve said as she made her first command, ‘You always call Adam by his name but consistently call me woman. My name is Eve. Not woman.’
‘As thou wishest. Anything else?’
Eve glanced at Adam. If she could demand anything she wanted, she might as well take the opportunity to make life as uncomfortable as possible for that human embodiment of a puss-filled ingrown toenail. Glancing over Adam’s smooth body, she uttered her second request: “I want men to not only have hair on their heads, but everywhere on their bodies, like monkeys do. And especially in uncomfortable places like under their armpits, in their anuses and around their penises. But make sure they aren’t born with all that hair, otherwise they just won’t know any better. Don’t let it grow on their bodies until they are about twelve years old, or something. ‘
God thought it was a very strange and particularly specific request, but made her wish come true nonetheless. As such, Adam’s body was suddenly covered with thin hairs on his arms, legs, chest and back. Under his armpits and his fig leaf grew a great deal of thicker hair, much to the man’s dismay.
‘You’re having fun with this, aren’t ya?’ Adam grunted to Eva, ‘In that case, I want exactly the same thing to happen to women. But they have to feel an urgent need to remove all of their body hair. Always.’
While Adam grinned viciously due to the wish he had just made, God started to regret His promise. But He knew that He would not be able to persuade humanity to follow His new rules if He failed to compromise. And so, similar hairs grew on Eve’s body, who all of a sudden experienced a great deal of shame for that. Like crazy, she began to pluck all of her leg hair one by one. It felt extremely uncomfortable, but she just had to get rid of those hairs. As revenge, Eve made her second request at the expense of Adam.
‘I wish women lived longer than men. And I want deadly diseases that only men can catch.’
‘This is unreasonable!’ Adam protested immediately.
‘Calm down, Adam,’ God sighed, realising that this negotiation was one of His worst ideas ever, ‘The difference in life expectancy shall only be a few years and the new disease shall also affect women, but in fewer places. I shall call it cancer and in addition to just about all other parts of the body, it shall be able to appear in a woman’s cervix, and in a man’s testicles or prostate. All right?’
‘What is the prostate?’ Adam wanted to know.
‘Humanity will find out as soon as it discovereth homosexuality,’ was the answer of God.
Frowning angrily, Adam looked at Eve, who was still plucking her leg hair like a maniac.
‘Okay, fine,’ he replied, ‘but I have another request.’
‘I expected nothing else,’ God sighed, rolling His eyes.
‘The world has think that not me, but Eve ate the forbidden fruit and brought all evil into the world,’ Adam said as he made his next wish.
Those words made Eve’s urge to remove her leg hair temporarily fade away and allowed her to come up for herself.
‘Excuse me?’ I am not going to take the blame for something I didn’t do! And besides, that would only encourage more men to treat women unfairly. And then us women would become those creatures who are too stupid to follow simple instructions; I won’t allow that to happen! ‘
‘Thou canst calm down as well, Eve,’ God replied impatiently, ‘That would indeed be one of the consequences, but what if I promise thee that in six thousand years feminism will gain in popularity again? Even some men will call themselves feminists. And look at it this way: if people believe that thou wast seduced by the serpent, they will also think that thou providedst mankind with the knowledge of right and wrong.’
With great reluctance, Eve conceded, but of course she had another request in response to Adam’s wish. She did not say it out loud, but wrote it down on the piece of parchment on which the new rules were written, crumpled it up and tossed it over to God. The Creator read it and with a nod, let Eve know that her wish had been granted.
‘Can I try?’ The woman asked subsequently.
‘Go ahead,’ God confirmed uninterested.
Curious, Eve walked towards Adam, ordered him to stand up from his chair, and as soon as they stood facing each other, Eve kicked Adam’s fig leaf as hard as she could. When the latter fell to the ground moaning in pain, Eva enjoyed herself tremendously. The pain Adam felt was indescribable and he could not possibly compare it to any other pain he had ever felt before. The suffering didn’t seem to stop and was even felt all the way up to his stomach. That bitch would pay, Adam thought as he stood up again after a few minutes.
‘I wish that women always died in the most painful way possible!’ Adam shouted.
‘And I wish that men could never find happiness in their lives!’ Eva reacted immediately.
‘Women should always feel like they’re starving and every time they swallow anything, they only feel more hungry! ‘
‘Every time men breathe air, it has to feel like their body is completely burning up from the inside!’
‘Stop it! Both of thee!’ God bellowed, his anger making the whole of heaven shake, ‘I was willing to give to you the opportunity to make your lives better for you, but ye have disappointed Me once again. How are ye not ashamed? Those last requests will be ignored and ye will return to Earth, where you will mate at once!’
‘And what are you going to do if we ignore your orders, Padre?’ Adam challenged his Creator.
God did not appreciate that comment in the slightest. He would make His two greatest failures listen immediately. With threatening eyes, He looked at Adam and Eve, who all of a sudden both fell onto the ground screaming. The pain Adam had just felt in his groin was merely a loving hug compared to the feeling he and Eve were experiencing right now. Every cell in their bodies suffered a horrible, excruciating pain that was unknown to any living creature, even to God. It felt as though their bodies were completely melting away in flames hotter than those of the sun, but were at the same time freezing in a cold worse than that of the centre of an iceberg. As though their limbs were being torn off of their torsos one by one at an extremely slow pace. As though their skin was being peeled off layer per layer with a rusty grater. As if their eyes were being sucked out of their heads through a straw. They tried to scream, but couldn’t. They did not have enough air for that. It felt as if their lungs were exhaling oxygen rather than inhaling it every time they gasped for air. But emotionally it was utter torture as well: they were seeing the most terrible daydreams and felt nothing but fear, sadness, anger, shame and disgust. All at the same time and all to the extreme. Suddenly, the physical and mental torture ceased. Adam and Eve desperately gasped for air and stayed down on the ground, coughing, crying, trembling.
‘There are two possible scenarios as soon as ye die,’ God said in a calm voice, ‘either ye live a calm, carefree life in the afterlife, in which case ye shall accompany Me in heaven, or ye go to hell and shall forever feel what ye have just endured. Everything depends on your actions on Earth: if ye live according to My rules, then I shall welcome you to heaven. Should ye decide not to follow My rules, then ye shall be tortured in hell until the end of time. I shall send you back to Earth now. Ye know what I expect from you and what will be waiting for you if ye do not meet My expectations.’
It took several days before the heavily traumatised humans dared to say anything to each other, but as soon as they realised that they had be on good terms with God as quickly as possible, they decided to ignore their hatred for each other and not to upset their Creator. Adam and Eve certainly weren’t happy during their time on Earth, but they knew they had to do what God had dictated to them if they wanted to be saved from eternal damnation. That was also what they repeatedly made clear to their many children during their upbringing. Adam and Eve had never again criticised God’s work, nor had they ever rebelled against Him. The Creator had therefore decided to use hell as the default threat whenever He was not pleased by the actions of humans. By spreading fear, He was able to make Himself obeyed for thousands of years and during this period, He could always entertain himself by looking at his little toy, which did exactly what it was supposed to do. His experiment was successful.